


Thick Enough to Cut

by hanktalkin



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Awkward Dates, Crossfaction, Fluff and Humor, Ice Cream, Innuendo, M/M, Post WAR!, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 19:10:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12394356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanktalkin/pseuds/hanktalkin
Summary: Demo and Soldier are good for each other. Too bad the Eyelander is the only one who can see that.





	Thick Enough to Cut

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Thanatoaster](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thanatoaster/gifts).



“ _Ice cream! Did you bring me some?_ ”

Tavish glared over his shoulder once he’d situated himself in the driver’s seat. The Eyelander glared right back with—despite its name—non-existent eyes.

“ _Why_ would I bring you ice cream?” Tavish begged the question. “You don’t even have a mouth.”

“ _Oh, because I don’t have a mouth or hands or legs that means you don’t have to give me a little human decency? Real nice, show’s what kind of friend you are._ ”

Tavish rolled his eye. The Eyelander constantly begged him to take it places, the haunted sword always beyond bored whenever he left it for a night on the town. Unfortunately, there isn’t really much fun you can have with a sword besides stabbing people with it.

“Thanks for the ice cream Tav!” Jane said as he situated himself in the passenger seat. As soon as he was buckled, he began to chow down on his rocky road, the chocolate ice cream getting all over his face.

“ _Oh of course_ ,” the Eyelander growled from the backseat. “ _Buy some ice cream for your worst enemy, but not for your most faithful weapon. Typical DeGroot_. _I’ll remember this!_ ”

“That better not better a threat laddie,” Tavish said over his own vanilla with peanuts. “I have plenty of other swords I could be brining to battle.”

Jane turned around too, noticing the sword propped up in the backseat. “Oh hey! You brought the Eyelander.”

Tavish sighed. “Aye. It gets prissy with me if I leave it alone in the house for too long. So get used to having a ghost sword hanging around us every now and again, unless you want to find me dead from annoying chatter.”

“ _Fuck you._ ”

“Hi Eyelander,” Jane said, giving the sword a wave. “Nice to see you.”

“ _Yeah, nice to see you from the outside you fucking yank_.”

“What’d it say?” Jane beamed at Tavish, the childlike enthusiasm accented by the chocolate on his nose.

“…It said ‘nice to see you too’.”

Jane grinned wider and the two of them continued to eat happily. The spot they’d parked near the pier was nice, and they rolled down the windows to let in the sea breeze.

“I’m glad we’re not fighting anymore,” Jane said, watching the waves roll in.

“I know lad,” Tavish replied. “You’ve told me that four times today already.”

“Sorry,” Jane said sheepishly. “It’s true though! I’m so happy to have you back in my life.”

Immediately, Tavish felt his face go warm. It was a reflexive action, one he knew he shouldn’t have. Jane said stuff all the time without really thinking, sometimes stuff that could definitely be taken a different way if Tavish didn’t know what he meant. This was just one of those times he’d have to take the Soldier at face value, and defiantly _not_ think about how is best friend’s company made his insides all soft and buttery.

“Aye. Me too Janey.” They looked across the center console at each other, grinning happily while holding their ice cream. It was true, Tavish hadn’t realized how much he loved their time together until they’d made up. “I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

“ _Oh my god_ ,” the Eyelander complained. “ _Just kiss him already_.”

Tavish made a noise that could only be described as a squawk, whipping around so fast he spilled ice cream all over his leg.

“Oh crap,” Jane said. “Here, let me help.” He began pulling napkins from the glove box. Then he leaned over to clean off Tavish’s leg, a advance that only made the Demoman panic harder.

“No!” he squeaked. “No really, it’s okay, I got it.”

He quickly took the napkins from Jane’s hand and began to wipe up his spilled treat. The heat had gone all the way from his cheeks to the tips of his ears, and when he was finally able to get the stickiness off him, he could feel the Eyelander smirking at the back of his neck.

* * *

“ _Oh thank god you’re home_ ,” the Eyelander said, sitting on the couch in the exact spot Tavish had left it. “ _They’ve been rerunning the same episode of_ I’m My Own Wife _for three hours_.”

Tavish walked over to the set and turned the TV off.

“ _Ahhhh…blessed silence_.” The Eyelander hummed in appreciation. “ _So where were you?_ ”

“Out,” Tavish said as he walked to the liquor cabinet.

“Out _meaning you were with the guy who screams when you cut his legs off_.”

“Most people scream when you cut their legs off, Eyelander,” Tavish pointed out, pouring open a bottle of scotch.

“ _Yeah yeah_ ,” the sword mumbled. “ _So. You make a move yet?_ ”

“Uhhhhhg,” Tavish moaned. “Not _this_ again.”

“ _You think_ you’re _frustrated? I’m the one who has to sit around you two all the time while you make goo-goo eyes and do nothing about it!_ ”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tavish said over his glass.

“ _Oh please,”_ the Eyelander said. If an inanimate object could verbally roll its eyes, Eyelander was doing it _. “You just hot and bothered every minute you’re with him. I’m the fucking third wheel. You need to either kill him or fuck him, just stab him with_ something _._ ”

“You’re disgusting,” Tavish mumbled because he totally had a response to that, but doesn’t have to deign the stupid sword with a reply.

“ _Honestly, the raw sexual tension with you is thick enough to_ -”

“Eyelander,” Tavish began. “I swear to god if you finish that sentence-”

“… _Thick enough to cut_.”

Tavish threw a blanket over the sword and left the room.

* * *

Vegas was beautiful, just how Tavish remembered it. He’d always wanted to come back, but it wouldn’t have been the same without Jane by his side. But ever since the two had resolved their feud (out of the Administrator’s eyes of course) they’d talked about returning to their favorite vacation location.

“ _Put me on the chair! I want to see the Strip_.”

The only mistake was deciding to do something nice for the Eyelander too.

“We just walked through the whole bloody Strip on the way here,” Tavish told it as he fixed his tie.

“ _Yeah, but I was in your bag. I didn’t see shite!_ ”

It hadn’t even been an hour since landing, and Tavish was already regretting his decision.

Their argument was interrupted as Jane stepped into the room. “How do I look?” he asked with less confidence than he usually exuberated.

He looked…beautiful. Well, he was wearing a plain blue button down, but since it was the nicest shirt he owned Tavish was in awe anyway. It was clean and pressed, for once fitting the nice casino they’d certainly be allowed in now.

“Looks good mate,” Tavish replied, struggling not trip over his words.

“ _Got. It. Bad._ ”

Tavish glared at his weapon, but couldn’t say anything with Jane in the room.

“Great,” Jane said with relief. “I’m going to run down quick, get us some spots.”

Tavish nodded, and allowed himself a small sigh once his friend was gone.

“ _Do you not know how to do it?_ ” the Eyelander asked, eliciting a frustrated sigh instead of happy one. “ _I could possess you, get you started on the right track._ ”

“You’re a fucking stick of metal,” Tavish pointed out. “You want me to believe you know how to have sex?”

“ _Hey! I know how to make love. You think I was_ always _trapped inside this sword?_ ”

“What?” Tavish blinked. “You’re telling me you used to be a person?”

“ _Uh, duh. What did you think the haunted part of haunted sword meant?_ ”

“Let me get this straight,” Tavish demanded. “You, big stick of metal I use to stab people, who talks to me _constantly_ about bullshit, in all this time has never _once_ mentioned you were once a mortal man?”

“ _Oh wow. Way to fucking_ assume _, eejit. Just because I’m a giant arse phallic object doesn’t mean I was a_ man _. Aresehole_.”

“Uhg,” Tavish said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I am not drunk enough to deal with the implications of that statement.”

“ _Good. Because you’re changing the subject. Now go down there and seduce that damn Soldier_.”

“No.”

“ _Why not? You’re here, in Vegas, where weird romance happens sometimes sort of. Just tell him how you feel_.”

“No!”

“ _Do it! Seduce him!_ ”

“For the last bloody time, I am not seducing Jane!”

And for a split second, Tavish was relived when the Eyelander didn’t respond. But then he noticed how awkwardly the silence hung in the air, and slowly turned around.

There was Jane, standing in the middle of the doorway, red from ear to ear.

Tavish looked at him, then at the sword, then back at him. Completely lost for words. Jane was just staring at him, obviously having heard the entire last half of the conversation. Tavish ached, desperate, wishing the Soldier would just say _something_ …

Finally Jane cleared his throat.

“Um. Would uh…probably have to buy me a drink first.”

“What?” Tavish said, absolutely flabbergasted.

Jane’s blush darkened, something Tavish hadn’t thought possible. “I uh…said you’d have to buy me a drink first. If you were seducing me. But you’re not, so I guess you don’t have to worry about that.”

To say Tavish was in awe would be an understatement. Could he be reading that right? Jane always said a lot of stuff but…there could only be one way to take that.

“Oh,” he said, turning around to fully face the Soldier.

He figeted with his hands, which he'd been shaking in a fury at the Eyelander. Now he used them to neverously fix his tie again. If this was really happening (and he wasn't sure it was) then he was going to have to make the fucking most of it.

“Well. Now that that’s settled. Er…we should go down to the bar then. Get those spots.”

Jane nodded. Tavish came closer too him, abandoning his argument with his sword.

“The bar, huh?” Jane said as they made their way into the hallway.

“…Yep,” Tavish said, putting the last of his confidence together.

Jane’s face melted a little, embarrassment replaced by a small smile of comfort. Tavish honestly couldn’t believe this was actually happening. As the two walked to the elevator, he felt an unearthly power take over his hand. It was suddenly encased in green fire, and gave him a big thumbs up.

**Author's Note:**

> Based entirely on a thing YourChickenMan said, so you can thank her


End file.
